Many are wondering how Steve and Janni are doing! I have to say they are ministering to others even in their grief. Steve has dedicated himself to the young men on his basketball team. Janni has come alongside him, helping to welcome these players in their home! They are staying very active. Their new home needed landscaping and so they are busy with that project as well. I long to be near them even as I write. There is such a comfort level I feel in being with my sister. Janni and I like to talk about Kole. We talk about what he would be thinking or doing if he were still here. Remembering him makes us happy. We laugh at the funny things that he used to say or do. I can still picture his snarl with such fondness and tenderness.It is funny how he has become even more adorable. Even his orneriness is adorable to us.

I cannot say very much how all this has affected Steve and Janni down deep. I know a little more about my mother's feelings because she has a need to express herself. I use to think that she has taken it the hardest, but instead I feel she has been willing to lay it all on the line. I did not realize and understand my own emotions very well, until my mom started talking to me about her own. Her honesty has helped me more than I can say. Not that we are mad at our Lord. We are not. We just have sorrow, grief, and hurt. I can remember a friend telling me about a video made for people who have lost loved ones. I think it is called Grief Soup or something. She watched it and it did not make sense to her, but it did to the person she was with who going through the loss. I can't make a whole lot of sense out of my emotions or even out of my feelings of physical heaviness and even mental confusion. I feel like my feelings and the hurt are all mixed up inside of me kind of like "grief soup". There is fear there as well. Fear, that life is not so innocent anymore. All these emotions and feelings, my mom and I are coming to terms with as being part of the process of making our way through grief. In the middle of the night, last night, my thoughts were filled with anxiety and hurt. It is incredible how comforting is our good Lord. I felt Him say that "you "will have hurt. I felt him ask me to lay my hurt at the foot of the Cross. To give the hurt to Him. As hurt floods my heart and my emotions, I am to continually turn that hurt over to Him.....for all my sins and grief are for Him to bear. It was after laying down those hurts at Jesus' feet in the wee hours of the night, it was only than, that I was able to rest and relax .I could feel the physical release from my chest and stomach which felt as if they were both "tied in a knot". I felt His great love for me. He is truly willing to bear our burdens given the chance. It has been therapeutic to realize that many have gone through these emotions. They have come over to the other side of grief and hurt. When nothing has been so painful before it is hard to judge what is normal to expect when grieving. It is interesting that in many ways I feel numb.In fact, most of the time I have felt numb. I don't know why I feel as I do! My mom said to me today that we will deal with grief all differently. I do believe that we need to deal with our hurt and our emotions. It is the people who have "gone before" that are best able to direct those who are about to pass through. If we do not work through our pain, than we stay at a standstill. God is good in the providing the encouragement we need to continue living. It is only in this world that we will have to experience great loss and great sorrow. We cannot get a way from it. We all have to die to this earth. There will be no loss or sorrow in heaven. Kole is free from loss and sorrow. I must add that the more we are willing to lay the hurt down----the hurt we feel from other's who have hurt our feelings---the more we will be able to love freely. Why do we want to stay wounded? It is a human condition that baffles me. I has been my own. It works to lay our pain all down. Our God is huge and able to carry it all. I can recall Steve carrying Kole's body down the stairs of his home. He said--this is the last time daddy will carry you. There will never be a last time for God to carry us. He carries us forever.

Jodi