Not ever experiencing a death of someone so young, it is hard to know what to expect! God has not given us past experience to draw from, to which I am grateful! I believe that to be true with parenting and marriage as well. Life is truly a pilgrimage. I am glad God is our teacher, for He is patient and gentle in His leading and direction. We can look back and see His hand in our lives.

I have to say that we, as a family, had experienced Him in a way that we cannot explain! His presence was so real, that this earth, though we were still breathing and walking on it became less of a reality than God Himself. For most of our lives, the earth has been our center focus! We are a people who are scientific and depend on our sense of touch, sight, taste, hearing, and smell to govern much of our lives. But, when all those senses fail to get you through a heart wrenching and unbelievably difficult situation---then God. God became our rock and our fortress. We could not use our senses. We needed to learn to use faith. He helped us and led us all the way. In fact He carried us. Now, that we are back down to "earth". It is an adjustment, for we do not want to go back to living independent from Him. But, we do not have the dire situation holding us to His side. Today, it is a choice! Before, it was "do or die". I have learned that there was no way that Janni and Steve could not have stood this valley unless our Shepherd became very real and up close. There is so much more to our God, than what we in our finite minds allow us to believe. He is bigger than all trouble. He can speak our to our hearts very clearly and gently. He can speak through His Word. He can give a sense of peace and calm when all is shutting down! When life goes "spewing" blood, God can sustain and give us Himself as unbelievable comfort. Why does God allow such difficulty to His children? I can remember praying for Kole two days before Kole left this world---seeking God on my knees in such desperation. God's tender voice came through with such love,--" Jodi, Kole will live". I had immediate peace! However , two days latter Kole died. So , I thought to myself did I mis-hear Him. Like, I said this has been such a journey and God has chosen not to reveal all His lessons at one time. Yesterday, that lesson hit home and I know it was God, Himself teaching me! He is a kind teacher and I would have no other "principle" teacher in my life more than Him. His lessons can be difficult, but as Beth Moore states about trials--- hang on until the blessing comes. God will use your background everyday for you, instead of against you. She also says that this will cause the enemy to fall into the pit he designed for you. Anyway this was the lesson God so gently taught me.

I had been participating in a Bible study called "The Patriarchs" by (of course) Beth Moore. We have gotten to the last weeks lesson. I came upon this portion of scripture. God had pulled Jacob aside to reassure him that it was of God's own design that Jacob (new name being Israel) should move his entire family to Egypt, as Joseph had suggested. In Genesis 46:2-4 God spoke to "Israel in a vision at night and said, 'Jacob! Jacob!' 'Here I am,' he replied. 'I am the God, the God of your father,' he said. 'Do not be afraid to down to Egypt, for I will make you a great nation there. I will go down to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again.
And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes."

When I read the 7 words I put in bold print, God reminded me of how He whispered in my spirit to not fret because "Kole will live". God always keeps His promises and yet how can that be when it was not fulfilled for me to see! Well, it happened to Jacob. God promised that Jacob would come back to the land. Yet he never did see his home land again in his lifetime. Jacob died in Egypt. His future generations did, but he did not. At least not while he breathed and walked this earth. I realized than, that God is prying my eyes open to see past the end of my nose. He was telling me that Kole is alive. That heaven for a believer is living. I did not see the reality of heaven in that way! I looked at it through "human eyes" and not "God's eyes". I was looking for the "here and now". God was trying to teach me that "heaven is here and now" even though I had to depend on faith and not on experience. His promise is fulfilled, though not in the way I expected. I wondered if Jacob thought when he was dieing if maybe he mis-heard God. Beth Moore explained it like this "God's promise to bring the patriarch back was to Jacob's family line and not just his dry bones". She goes on to say, "Modern, drive-thru thinkers like you and me frame events in such immediate terms we decide we either misunderstood God or He misled us if His promises are not fulfilled in our personal lives".

The promise is fulfilled or will be fulfilled, even when we have to wait to test it with our senses. God's ways are much higher than ours ways and His thoughts are unfathomable. He is right in everything He does. Even in this great hurt and loss, I know He is right in allowing it! It will not always be hurt and loss. Some day, He will turn it into healing and victory. I am clinging to His ankles, until then. We have to go through the process of healing in order to be, an even better "whole" again. It is healthy and good.

I pondered why God does not microwave our healing and give instant answers to our dilemma's more often. I believe it is because lessons that take a "process" to learn are more transforming and have broader effect and testimony, than those just given to us without much agonizing. "No pain, no gain". He is developing character and His likeness in us, through our seeking Him for answers through our struggle and in our struggle. I believe we all have struggles, as God pries our fingers off this world. To seek Him, is to have victory! To seek rebellion and bitterness, is to experience more despair and defeat! I have faith that victory is in store through seeking Him through the grief. We cannot bypass grief. We will all experience it. Take His hand and we will walk with Him together through the "fiery furnaces" of this life. Until the other side, when we will understand what real "living" is all about! Being in His presence constantly and consistently is real living and real loving! We truly have no clue yet, what that is all about! Faith looks to our future home with welcome! Our senses want to stay, where we know and experience life daily. We are better off growing our faith, and keeping our senses in check. We need to remind our senses that God is real!

Jodi